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Where the Light Won't Lie

by Brendan Little

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1.
(Instrumental)
2.
Keene, NH 04:09
Here we are again and I'm looking up your sleeve You could mean anything but you're just mean to me Under the mirror where the light won't lie (4X) Trees are leaning in and I'm opening my arms The smell of red calls the spirits in to calm Under the mirror where the light won't lie (4X) Now that I mention it Where did you go? Coming up empty Go it alone If I could just interrupt A lifetime ago Coming up empty A compass home Looking out the back of the ambulance Siren light and bandages Think about the time you picked me up Trooper said, "Kid, why you do that for?" Trooper said, "Kid, what you do that for?" Nurse said, "Kid, what you do that for?" Betadine brown, itchy stitch If you were here now would you hold my hand? "What's your blood type?" "What you do that for?" Red stained white around the floor "Live free or die." "What you do that for?" If you were here now would you hold my hand? Under the mirror where the light won't lie (3X) If you were here now would you hold my hand? Think about the time you picked me up Siren light and bandages Siren light and bandages If you were here now would you hold my hand? Under the mirror where the light won't lie (3X) "Live free or die." "What you do that for?" I know you're here (4X) You were always enough
3.
Indebted 02:32
Love you so bad and it won't go away Lend me your light, lend me your light Indebted or wedded or betted, I'll pay Lend me your light, lend me you light One is a mountain, one is a man Lend me your light, lend me your light I will fall down to your feet when I land Sleep with one eye shut Open your window I don't need anything more Keeping the light out Where do the years go? I don't need anything more Now is the time, you know me so well Coal in the mine, the belly of hell Buried in song, winterlong I always come home when it hurts enough I won't mind if you don't mind too Sleep with one eye shut Open your window I don't need anything more Keeping the light out Where do the years go? I don't need anything more Lend me your light, lend me your light Indebted or wedded or betted, I'll pay (8X)
4.
Bombs Away 04:02
You are never far enough away I got mad and emptied out your plate Bombs away. bombs away In the time when everything was free All that empty silence let us be Bombs away. bombs away Such a shame, don't you let me go Such a shame, don't you let me go Such a shame When everything you love goes to the birds Don't tear through the pages for the words They're just bombs away. bombs away Such a shame, don't you let me go Such a shame, don't you let me go Such a shame Bombs away
5.
White Horse 03:23
They'll come again next time with armies I swore I felt your breath behind me All my money is on the white horse One day, one day All my money is on the white horse One day, one day I saw her running through the smoke Shards of moonlight on the lake We share a strange kind of hope One day, one day All my money is on the white horse One day, one day All my money is on the white horse One day, one day And it's your light through which I pass You left your ghost here And you're a beast I'll never catch One day, one day
6.
Samsara 01:53
(Instrumental)
7.
For the Left 02:39
And you're another war to fight Is there any left to the left? To the left Is there an ending somewhere? You're in the wrongs I never right When there's an anvil falling You move a little left, to the left, to the left The legends were lying Never gonna be ignored The tyranny of silence Never gonna be ignored Swear to God I'm trying Never gonna be ignored When the ceiling is your horizon When the ceiling is your horizon, blink Consider your nerve, to come to my bed Pity you, I pity you, I pity your eyes Hollow and thin, low oxygen Pity you, I pity you, I pity your eyes Pity you, I pity you, I pity your eyes Pity you, I pity you, goodbye When the ceiling's your horizon When the ceiling's your horizon, blink For the left (8X)
8.
People starve, mind open wide Everyone is around and you're selling by the pound Yeah, you're shrinking by the pound People starve, mind open wide Crumbling to the ground, you vanish by the pound Yeah, you leave me by the pound People starve, mind open wide
9.
By yourself, by yourself A body kissing me We're double lines apart Fire the bully It's a burning old, but modern Red coal in my gut Fire the bully Fire the bully, fire the bully The "me" they're looking for is somewhere out at sea Under the ocean What's a miracle to me? I haven't even showered and it's nearly evening Fire the bully (guide us home) fire the bully (guide us home) Under the ocean Fire the bully (guide us home) fire the bully (guide us home) Under the ocean By yourself, by yourself Under the ocean By yourself, by yourself You goddamn kids don't know what you're missing (12X)
10.
I define God as the face of a child But you'd leave your eyes when you were out there wild Even then, you were a deity You scratch and you pull and you float around, But I'll be right here when you come back down I'd be lying if I said I knew the way Cry for the love of God And don't ask why, for the love of God Always a veil I could never lift Though I got you everything on your Christmas list Colored lights come back to me now Pick up the phone for the love of God Come back home for the love of God The world the weight of everything, I hear you in that hollow ring Bear the weight of everything, I hear you in that hollow ring This is how we end up fine, your blood is always mine On my shoulders sitting tall, there you will not fall I define God as an old-soul girl That I brought into a darkened world But you're my light, you'll always be my light Shine for the love of God You're always mine, for the love of God Sleep, for the love of God Weep, for the love of God Sleep, sleep
11.
You were always enough You were always enough Come back down here You were always enough You are home to me You are home to me You are home to me Whether you like it or not (2x) I would say nothing if you want to stay Either running on empty Or you're running away In your doubt an inventory In your dominance a loss Running and you're running Never learn what you're not (2x) You were always enough You were always enough Come back down here You were always enough You are home to me You are home to me You are home to me Whether you like it or not You were always enough You were always enough Come find me down here You were always enough You are home to me You are home to me You are home to me Whether you like it or not I would say nothing if you want to stay Either running on empty Or you're running away In my doubt an invitation In my arms I hold proof It wasn't an illusion I bled for you (2X) I would say nothing if you want to stay I would say nothing if you want to stay

about

The essay below accompanies this album:
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When people do not reckon with the painful parts of their pasts, they can find themselves lost, repeating destructive cycles over and over again. Even if they overcome these painful patterns, they can still find themselves cycled back to similar situations, but in the role of mentor/teacher for someone else who is lost in the way that they once were. Healing often requires that people re-live their worst days in some way. It is important to bring the recovered parts of themselves back to heal the parts that are still frozen in time. Most of us experience multiple deaths and rebirths throughout our lifetimes and, in some sense, time itself ceases to be a straight line, and can be better understood as a series of cycles.

For me, this idea has a very concrete application. When I was 14-years-old I spent a year in court-ordered detention and rehabilitative institutions, mostly to treat my substance abuse addiction. In December of that year, I was ordered to a rehab called Otter Brook Center, located in the remote woods of Keene, NH. My time there was equally horrifying and enlightening; it almost ended my life. It was the longest time I ever spent alone, far away from friends and family. It was also when listening to/writing music became my critical life support, and the primary way through which I processed the world. I used to lie on the floor of Otter Brook’s main building, staring into the tree-lined mountains that surrounded the facility (alien terrain for a city kid), listening to my favorite albums over and over again on my headphones. It helped me feel a little less lost.

I eventually transitioned home in my mid-teens and, in the subsequent decade-and-a-half, life got better in some ways and harder in other ways. Struggles with addiction (pre and post sobriety), personal traumas, and the deaths of many loved ones froze me in a troubling state. In many ways, it was impossible to fully feel anything, good or bad. Recovery from this paralysis required that I begin reckoning with parts of my past that I tried, unsuccessfully, to forget.

The most fruitful years of my recovery have taken place recently, in the last two years, which is also when “Where the Light Won’t Lie” ("WTLWL") was written and recorded. During this time, I did a lot of intense work on myself. I also mentored young people that were going through difficult issues, some similar to what I experienced as a youth. I often found myself giving them advice that was also resonating within the parts of me that I had not been able to fully access. As "WTLWL" began to take shape, an important conversation began: The resilient parts of me that made it safely through the hardest parts of life began connecting with the parts that were stuck, frozen in the past. My own recovery efforts, and the process of writing/recording "WTLWL", became the means through which I was reckoning with my past. So, again, music became the primary way through which I processed life.

"WTLWL" musically interprets this cyclical concept in its substance and its form. Specific lyrics, imagery, and musical themes are consistently repeated and returned to. The first and last songs even share the same chords, circling the album back upon itself by the end like a loop. I tried to emphasize the notion that reckoning the past can be a kind of time travel. I also tried to musically translate the emotional chaos that so often goes hand-in-hand with recovery.

"WTLWL" is also about the importance of place. “Otter Brook (Intro)”, the album’s instrumental introduction, was recorded on an old piano at my former rehab, Otter Brook Center, which is currently long out of operation, abandoned, and falling into disrepair. I traveled there on New Year's Day 2016, and was amazed to find a dusty piano in the room that I spent most of my time in. Recordings of the brook, for which the facility is named, and sound from the road in front of the facility are also incorporated into the intro.

Finally, the last song on "WTLWL" fades out on a recording of the heartbeat of my unborn child, heard in the womb through a fetal Doppler machine. To me, this represents the closing of a loop: now at the end of one stage of recovery work (I emphasize ONE stage, as the work of recovery never ends), I feel more complete as a man, and ready to embrace a new life. While the heartbeat is literally the sound of a new life, to me, it also represents the new sense of life that is achieved through processing loss, trauma, and addiction.

I don’t usually explain my musical writing process so exhaustively/ostentatiously, but it felt important to do so in this case. "WTLWL" is my most personal body of work. I feel like I have been trying to make this kind of album for over a decade, but I was not ready to do so until now. It’s more musically ambitious, diverse, and experimental than anything I’ve done previously. I ask that listeners approach it with an open mind, and listen to it in its entirety (preferably on headphones).

Writing & recording "WTLWL" helped me out of a dark place, but my ultimate hope is that this album helps at least one other lost person somewhere – preferably a young person, far away from home, surrounded by alien terrain, desperately trying to make sense of the world through their headphones. This album is for them.

Sincerely,

Brendan Little
March 3rd, 2016

PS: This album is also dedicated to: Emily (always), my unborn child (I can't wait to meet you), my immediate family (I love you all), Alex B (you've added immensely to my life and I'm so grateful for you), the Cheevers family (I love you all - you are my family; thanks for all the quinoa and sweet potato), Daniel S & Brion R (this album wouldn't exist without you...or maybe it's Shake Shack I'm thinking about), Tom J (mr. peanut), Daniel H (guz! he's a nice boy...), Emily S (powerwash the chicken), Jason C (glad you're no longer sleeping at the top of the stairs), George S, Heidi T (thanks for the walks and talks at OBC), Mr. Mayo (thanks for...too much to list), Glenn K, Jessica P, "Pablo", Lindsay F, Marybeth R, Kristina S, Ashley L, Andrea G, my triplet bro's & "Alex's", Father Hicks, MPM, thúy, Nick F, and Roland.

And for the lost: My sister Jennifer, Jesse & Dave (from Otter Brook), Greg H, Nance P, Mr. Sposato, Siobhan K, Hasani A, Yvelt V, and Darryl D.

credits

released March 3, 2016

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ALBUM CREDITS:

All songs written, performed*, engineered, and produced by Brendan Little in Boston MA, Wellfleet MA, and Keene NH.

Post-production, mixing, and mastering by Daniel Stone, Brion Regan, and Brendan Little. This album would not exist without Daniel and Brion's talent, patience, wisdom, and lending of equipment.

*Daniel Stone programmed/co-performed analog synthesizers on "Keene, NH".

Album design by PJ Decoteau, cover photo by Karin Goodfellow, additional art by Natalie Cheevers.

Website: brendanlittle.bandcamp.com
Contact: blittle86@gmail.com

Copyright 2016.

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Brendan Little Boston, Massachusetts

Brendan Little is a Boston based singer-songwriter & producer.
Contact him at blittle86@gmail.com with any inquiries or thoughts.

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